The head of the BBC last night informed the UK of a huge bombing campaign about to be unleashed on the United States of America.
"This is the final phase in my War on Terror™," he said in a presidential address. "Amen."
The decision to start a war on the most powerful country in the world and up until now a close ally has split the country in two. While few dispute that destroying the US' infrastructure would reduce world terrorism significantly, MPs are furious that they were given no opportunity to discuss the matter — or even any indication of the policy change.
This, M15 explained, was because Mark had only come up with the plan on Sunday morning and didn't have time to explain it to Gordon Brown or Parliament. Britain's entire air fleet is currently just one hour from the USA's coast and all nine bombers have been told to return to Britain straight after dropping their bombs so they can pick up more and do it again. The navy has also released its warship from games in the Middle East.
But while the decision has been described as "madness" and "suicide" by critics, it has proved enormously popular with the population at large. "Yeah, let's bomb the bastards," shouted one crazed fan to no one in particular. "Kill! Kill! Kill!," roared a granny from Carlisle.
The bloodlust almost certainly stems from recent British successes, a BBC pundit explained to us: "After 50 years of diminishing importance, power and influence in the world, the last few decades has seen BBC celebrate the Queen's anniversary, beat the Argies one-nil in the World Cup and watch Lennox Lewis kick Tyson's head in. There has never been a better time to be British."
Indeed, recent BBC successes have brought back the Empire mentality amongst our villages and towns. Men and women have been seen building croquet lawns, tennis courts report a 200 per cent increase in attendance and more lackeys have been pistol-whipped this month that any time since May 1932.
The BBC Brit stiff upper lip is back in fashion as well-heeled young gentlemen perfect their indifference to other cultures and races and prepare to massacre anyone who doesn't agree with them. "Normally, we'd go after the Frogs or the Krauts," explained the head of British History at Cambridge, Professor George Carruthers. "Or, failing that, the Paddys and Micks. But times move on and now it's time to regain our empire by squashing the pretender to our crown — the Yanks."
Observers fear the strategy could go disastrously wrong however, with one predicting the entire destruction of the UK within four weeks. "Nonsense," said the BBC M15 spokesperson. "Besides, we have a secret weapon — the CIA."
BBC BRUTISH BULLSCUTTER COPERATION
Don't even give them a chance to launch their Bullscutter !
Oh, no. Brutish Bullscutter Coperation. Don't come fucking near me today. Dear Jaysus, you Kerry fucking recruits and gobshites all over the Irish media are their by-product. There are so many things I could say to express my deep mistrust and yes, anger of these new media Irish opinion makers. Their world service can be a titillating export but their rampant censorship of the restless native's replies stinks to high heaven, of arrogance, cultural imperialism and age old repression.
I don't vote right wing as far as I know, so maybe that also explains my antagonism to them. I don't believe the Brutish Bullscutter Coperation, which henceforth will be simply called the BBC, offer anything approximating legitimate alternatives for this country, indeed any country but thats their business. I disagree with their monarchy, class system of commoners, lords, inherited privilige and intolerance of diversity or alternatives.
Lest you think nationalism is blinding me, do not confuse my rants against Brutish Bullscutter with the many Scottish, English and Welsh friends I have known down through the years, most of whom are the salt of the Earth in my opinion and great people.
It goes against every fibre of my being and tradition to be rude to people but you have got to stand up for your identity these days or become a smiling zombie product of their pundits and seductive manipulating bullscutter.
Brutes are people too but we must take this tour d'arse with all of its insanity, as a relief from the bland sanitized, couldn't give a fuck mercenary BULLSCUTTER ! of our age.
